


you do and you don't

by stelliopaxperditus



Category: Fargo (2014)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Mr. Numbers, Non-Graphic Violence, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:57:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2579054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelliopaxperditus/pseuds/stelliopaxperditus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>love hurts<br/>even when you dont feel it</p>
            </blockquote>





	you do and you don't

**Author's Note:**

> to skew, allison 'minty', and jesse 'gaylord'  
> i love you fuckin fucks  
> or some similar tingly emotion  
> thanks for the food talk, the betaing, and your tears  
> um im not sure how to trigger tag this!  
> by non-graphic i mean allusions  
> but if you've watched the show you should be fine this is minimum compared to the the shit that is our show

you wake up

another shit motel

another shit job another shit person

you open your eyes

and all you see is freckles

you're scared

you're drunk

you're crying

you've done it before

you've lied and not cared

you mimicked and mimed

pretended

but you cant

not for him not to him

cant do this to him

cant lie to wide eyes and crooked smiles

big gentle violent hands that hold you to him and hold you down

that hold a gun like its an art and a knife like its a prayer

cant lie

cant lie

**i love you** he says

you think you miss see it

but you know that the way his hands move

cant be denied

you cant lie

you're so glad you hadn't gotten too far this time

clothes disheveled but not shed

you would have run off in the snow

no shoes shirt coat

you would have died to avoid it

the not lying

the truth

you run out

you end up in a bar

you end up kicked out of a bar

you end back where you started

he's scared

he's drunk

he's been crying

you did that

and now you're crying

you aren't so different

but you are in all the ways it can hurt the most

he loves me he loves me not

he loves you you cant

you whisper

with your mouth

not your hands

you shout

you scream it

your hands shake

your hands howl

**i cant**

**what**

**cant what**

his hands yell

his face breaks

his eyes shimmer

he's angry you wish he'd just hit you

it would be so easy that way

you think

**i cant love you**

he goes limp

confusion and pain and defeat

your heart twists

and twists

and twist

hearts are muscle

but they break like bones

you want to tell him

so many things but they hurt so much

they'll hurt him

so much

you cant

you never could

it was fine when no one mattered

when you didn't care

but this fucking bastard

weaseled into your heart

with soft laughter and gunshots

and you feel something

but its not the right kind of something

the kind of something that they put on a pedestal

the kind of something they tell you you need

that he needs

he stares

and he stares

little wet lines play the saddest game of connect the dots with the fading freckles you kissed the other night

he giggled

he loves it

he loves you

you cant

you move it

you say it

and mutter

your hands stutter

how can you tell him

it's not you it's me?

it's more cliche then your liberal arts student facade bullshit

and then he moves

closer

and his hands say

**cant why?**

with such defeat

and your tears mimic his downward spiral

and you know you look like a clown painting and he looks like a greek tragedy

**i cant love you**

**or anyone**

**then why?**

he asks he begs

he's confused wounded

you start and he stops you

**why are you crying**

**if don't then why**

**you're hurt why crying you don't???**

he starts to lose how most people think words fit together

but you understand

but you don't

and now you're confused

you've known this for a long time

you just cant feel like that

and you trail off

and you grip the air like it might tell you what to say

might say it for you

**because i don't want to hurt you-**

he jerks his hands

and you flinch

you cut him off

**because hurting you this way is better**

and his confusion is angry again

**because lying-**

**because pretending-**

**because, i cant and i wont and ill never love anyone**

**i fucking hoped once**

**i fucking prayed once**

**and i believed someone could hear me**

**and if i cant love you then i know i cant love anyone**

**and you deserve better**

and you're screaming with your mouth just as much with your hands

and he's stood up and straightened up and his head's cocked to the side

and he moves

and you're terrified

this is it

you're dead

youaredeadeyouarede-

and his arms big and strong and warm are around you

you are confused

you shove

he lets go

**why?**

and he rolls over and blinks

and smiles

and yawns

**i love you**

and you don't and you do

and its not the same but its just as good

you feel

you care

and thats enough for the both of you

**Author's Note:**

> i am aromantic spectrum so if you try to talk shit to me because you feel i did something wrong you better be aro spectrum to  
> any who  
> this is the first fanfic i ever wrote  
> and it happened at 1:30 am  
> in about 15-20 minutes  
> and im quite satisfied  
> if you see a glaring grammar/spelling thing or are very confused by a bit of phrasing please tell me  
> i might have done it on purpose, but i might have goofed  
> 


End file.
